¡Kelly goes Costarazy!

Riding buses here is an artform. It takes skill to do it right. I myself have advanced from grasshopper to black belt and am now ready to tell my tale.

I have experienced standing on a bus for one hour straight, for two hours straight, for three hours straight trading off with Christina sitting every half hour. I have watched what I believe was a pirated Gladiator in Spanish because it cut out a half an hour before the end on the tica bus. I have been decieved by the ‘bathroom’ in the ticabus that has told me there was both toilet paper and soap. I have sat in a hot bus without air conditioning and the windows rolled up because everyone is afraid that the rain will give them a ‘deathly cold.’

But most of all, I have sat behind one of the nastiest snorers I have ever heard in my entire existence. In the ticabus from Panama, a 17 hour bus ride I was disturbed from my peaceful sleep (that was actually giving my neck a huge cramp) to a sound I had never heard before. It was a mixture of familiar sounds that together left me confused. I know what snoring sounds like. I know what sneezing sounds like. But I had never heard both of those sounds mixed with the sounds of both blowing one’s nose AND coughing.  I know it was wrong and unfair, but I did not look at that woman (if that’s what she was)  the same after that.

Needless to say I have experience in busing. I have decided now to grace you all with my expertise. This is indeed priveleged knowledge and I only share this now with the knowledge that I will not be in competition with you here in Costa Rica.

Here’s what you must do, my grasshoppers:

1. GET ON THE BUS! This is not a simple task. Sure, anyone can get on the bus, but you got to do it right and that means quickly! Every step from here on out will aid you in this primary goal.

2. Pack light! Backpacks are so much better than duffel bags even though you have to bring less – good way to force yourself to pack light. This is important because if your baggage is too big it has to go below the bus which will deter you from your primary goal because you’ll have to make an extra stop. Also a large pack makes you less agile which is a handicap you just can’t afford in this race. With a small pack you will be limber and ready to maneuver yourself straight to the first available seat.

3. Stay focused! This is not a race you can win half heartedly. Strangers around you are no longer viewed as simply other passengers, but as other occupied seats. This may sound harsh, but this is a game of the survival of the fittest and not for the faint of heart. If you don’t have the heart for this just remember; they’re all thinking the same thing. If you need motivation, think about standing on a crowded, hot, bumpy bus for various hours.

4. Say no to rational thought. You’re mind may wonder as you board the bus. You’ll look around you and see not an organized line of civilized people waiting to board, but a multi-limbed creature trying to climb through a portal too small for it to fit through. You might be shocked to find that you are a part of this creature that resembles the bunch ball you used to play on junior soccer leagues.  Rationalizing that this is ridiculous and that you are more than just one element of a crowd can lead to disaster. Swallow your pride. Belong to the creature; just belong to the front of it.

5. Once passed the portal you break free of the ruthless mob and have mounted the aisle way leading to your dwelling place over the following hours of your life. This is it. There isn’t much you can do here but reap the benefits of your hardwork on the other side. Lay your eyes on the first available seat and snatch it.

6. Relish. Sit down. Breath. Be content. Sometimes this too can be difficult. Don’t look out the front window. This will aid you in avoiding the terrifying scene of a huge passenger bus driving on the wrong side of the road to pass a semi, returning to the right side of the road just missing another semi.  Try not to notice that (if you are someone of my height) your knees hit the seat in front of you. Don’t visualize the bruises you’ll have there by the end of the journey. Don’t have bad feelings toward the person who is closing you in by their unreasonable and unecessary recline feature. No, instead appreciate the fact that the blood will not be drained from your arms from holding them above your head as you stand on tired feet.  Enjoy the restless sleep offered by the seat that replaces the swaying stance that provides no means of rest.

7. Don’t put on your seat belt. There aren’t any. Instead receive your black belt in boarding buses.